The weeks leading up to my 29th birthday involved a great deal of reflection on my twenties. There are many, many things I feel proud of, and even more I'm not so proud of. None of us are perfect though right? Lucky for me God grants grace. This is something I am CERTAIN about, however I am not certain of how many days I have left. I know what you are thinking, thirty is not that old! I know thirty isn't old, but none of us know how much time we have remaining. Yet this past year has gone by in a blur? Why is each and every day not more important to me??
I can honestly say my days go something like this...Wake up, run around like a crazy person getting myself and Addy Mack ready, get her to school, go to work, work, work some more, pick up Addy from school, make dinner, clean up from dinner, do laundry or some other household chore, vacuum (yes, I am OCD and vacuum every day), brush teeth, sleep, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat.
With this being said, Obviously, I am failing at numbering my days. (Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12) Every day there are lessons I could be learning, moments I could use to grow in my relationships both spiritually and worldly, things I could be doing to show love to others, etc...Actually, I have realized I am failing at quite a few things.
For example, I spent last year going on date after date, with men, friends or coworkers set me up with, or men I randomly met, all ending very unfruitfully. As anti-woman's rights as this might seem, I can't wait to cook for a husband, (really who enjoys cooking for themselves and a finicky preschooler?) to make a home and life with him, to share a closet. uhhhhh maybe that is little bit of a stretch, closet space is very important but you get the point!
Now I believe that God intends for me to marry one day, one day when He deems it. But it seems I continue to try and force the issue. THIS IS INSANITY!!! I keep trying the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. Bottom line, the kind of relationship I desire, I can't have!
Why is this you ask? Simple two part answer, First, the men I date, don't share my spiritual outlook (this is putting it nicely) and second, I'm not letting God lead my own life! I keep getting in the driver's seat, thinking I can take control, can make the things I want happen...
Need I say more???
If I am doing a job well done as a Christian, why do I not trust that God will not only get me to where I NEED to be, (not where I WANT to be) but he will fulfill, sustain, love, and make me worthy. All I have to do is hand over the keys?!? I'm not just talking about dating here, I am talking about my WHOLE life.
So after a great deal of thought I put together a list. A list of 30 things. 30 things I want to accomplish in the following year. All of the things on my list are my way of remembering to number my days so that I might gain wisdom and to stick to my list of priorities. In other words, no more late phone calls when I haven't even read my daily devotional! In a roundabout way, I am reclaiming my life by acknowledging and accepting God's claim on me. After all, I was bought with a price, so who am I to think I should be in the driver's seat?
Coming soon...#1 on the list has been completed!
